Marriage

Marriage. It’s the one thing that we all look forward to as we grow up. Young girls spend their time planning each aspect of how the wedding will go years before they have met their man. Young men spend their time day dreaming about what it will one day be like to have a wife. It’s as if each of us was naturally instilled to want and need someone beside them in life. But what does that really look like, to have a special partner to walk beside and love and why does something so wonderful and inspiring often turn out to be such a struggle? How could something built on the most powerful thing “love” become something so difficult after the wedding day?

Marriage is like a house. If built properly and maintained it will stand strong in any weather conditions. When building a house you have to lay down a foundation with firm corner stone’s. Without these in place the building will never stand or if built upon will always be uneven and will lean to the side when the wind blows. Each corner stone relies on the others and if one is removed or begins to crumble it will not be long until the building begins to show it. But what are the corner stone’s of marriage? We spend all of our growing up years preparing ourselves for the wedding day and no time looking ahead towards what comes after. To be a good spouse either now or in the future it is important to have a strong understanding of what your part in all of it is. If marriage is like building then you (Holy Bible King James Version, 1990) are the engineer and you will not be successful if there is no blue print to follow.

Love. What is love? Love is one of the strongest words in the dictionary but many people confuse the meaning or truly don’t understand what it really means. There are a few very interesting things about this word. Love is an action word meaning it takes doing something to get a result. Love is also an interaction word, meaning it takes more than just yourself to get a satisfying result. Most people describe love as a feeling. All too often we mentally connect being loved to the rush of romance and although romantic love is one of the sides to our first corner stone it is important to remember that the others are equally important. Love is truly based on making a decision. In real life everyone makes mistakes and screws up (1 Corinthians 13:4). We are all born with the human flaw causing us all do stupid things. It is ridiculous to think that we can go through life and never offend or hurt our partner in some way or another. Your partner needs to know (Ephesians 4:2) that no matter what they do you will always be there to help them up, even when the person they offended is you. This isn’t to excuse it but (Ephesians 4:32) when they know that your love and commitment to them does not turn on and off when they mess up, that’s when the trust can be built and the relationship has the security to blossom and grow.

Love. Love is all about giving yourself to your marriage partner. (Ephesians 5: 20-21) In society we are taught that we should only look out for our own needs and well being. This is a natural instinct (Ephesians 5:29) instilled in us from the day we are born but if abused and not kept in check it can become a very selfish habit that becomes obvious as soon as you are in a serious relationship (Acts 20: 35). Think of it this way, you have hopes, dreams, goals, and every day needs that make you the person you are. When you are single you can pour all of your energy into all of those things. When you meet that special person suddenly you come to a serious impasse. (Ephesians 5:25) Why wouldn’t your partner want you help you accomplish those goals and dreams? In fact they are upset because you are not sensitive or respectful of those things that they want. Needless to say you are both offended. This can slowly drain your relationship and make it miserable. Like two toddlers on the play ground both throwing tantrums because the other isn’t giving them what they (1Corinthians 13:11) want. This is where the giving aspect comes in. The all so often neglected beauty in marriage (Ephesians 5:31). If you give your everything to the needs and dreams of your partner and he/she gives their everything to yours suddenly it changes everything. Because now your loving each other not just yourself. Remember this will only work if you are giving everything you have and then some. It takes you making the decision to stop this “war” and make a change. (Ephesians 4:26)You cannot change your partner but you can change yourself. Keep your eyes open for ways that you can make a difference to your spouse and you will be amazed.

Safety. One of the hardest things in the marriage relationship is the outside problems that weight it down. Things like work, family and financial problems can cause you and your partner to always be running and never have a place to land. Although you cannot always remove problems from the picture there are things that you can do as a couple to soften the load. The number one best way to do that is to sit down and talk about everything. Being married it is easy to forget or not make the time to communicate to each other all of the little things that are weighing on your mind. It is time to make the time to talk about everything. Look into your partners eyes when they are talking to you. Listen to what they say without interrupting and then seek a middle ground in which you both agree on. Even more importantly it’s time to eliminate the distractions that are giving you excuses for not talking. For example if the kids or the ringing phone are keeping that from happening, tell the kids to leave the house (not just the room) and turn off the phones. Multiple studies have been conducted showing that young children and teens will literally create problems, in hopes that their parents will come together to solve them. Your children need to know that you both love spending time together. They need (and want) to know that their parents put their relationship before being parents. It is important to always keep your relationship with your spouse above all other things in life. Being careful to not let things like friends, careers and x-box distract or take preference over your wife or husband (Ephesians 4:15). Maybe it is time to throw a patio brick through the television and tell your best friend good bye if that’s what it takes to get a grip on your priorities. This is not to say that we are all perfect but too often marriages fail to work the way they could because one of people in the marriage decides to put something else above their spouse and selfishly serve their own wants.

Goals. Having dreams and goals is the most important part of the marriage relationship. If the other cornerstones give the marriage its satiability this corner is the cutting edge that gives the relationship its direction. It is also the glue that holds you both together, the beautiful friendship between the man and woman. . Working together is one of the most important parts of having a healthy marriage. So many marriages fail to work (or not work like they should) because the wife and husband have no goals or dreams that they are currently chasing together. Why is it that we are all expected to concentrate all of our time and energy on our careers and none at all on making plans for the good of your future together?  When dating and engaged you made plans together of things that you would do on the weekend and things you would do together in the future. At that time you both felt so alive and close to each other. Suddenly you walk down the aisle and that should stop happening? Should it stop after ten years of marriage or maybe when you have had your first child? The point is it should never stop or even crease for a moment. Plans can be made together in the smallest ways and have a huge impact on how your marriage grows. By bringing back this corner stone the relationship will once again have the exiting energy it once had.

The love relationship should always be seeking out new things and learning how to move the relationship in a healthy direction (Philippians 1:9 ). Sitting down and learning together gives the relationship the balance it needs. We don’t always stay on the straight and narrow in this life. The best way to do that is by studying. Seeking out knowledge gives you both the ability to see the things that you may not have before. Without expanding and changing how you do things in marriage nothing will change. It is always important to be looking and asking yourself “what can I do differently to make my marriage better”. Even the people who seem to have the perfect marriages have problems and have to continually be working at it. Remember that this is a life time deal, you are never going to get to the point where everything is perfect and you don’t have to work at it. At the end of the day there is no certain way to make your marriage perfect. The best thing you can do is sit down and study from the word of God what he has to say about your position as a lover and marriage partner. You should never take what you read or what you hear as the final. Let God have the final say in your life and marriage and you will be truly blest in every way. Remember there is no retirement to marriage and thank God. Where would we all be if we did not have our “better half” to keep us walking the wire?



Isaac R.